Why a San Francisco Anxiety Therapist Might Talk About Attachment Theory in Sessions
Understanding How Early Attachment Shapes Our Lives
Our earliest bonds with caregivers don’t just influence childhood - they leave lasting imprints that affect how we see ourselves and connect with others as adults.
These patterns can quietly shape the way we navigate friendships, careers, finances, and, most profoundly, romantic relationships. Because our attachment style can impact nearly every domain of life, many people find that learning about attachment theory in therapy is life-changing.
Our childhood attachments also shape the way we feel about ourselves at the deepest level. They influence the beliefs we hold - both empowering and limiting - about our worth, our sense of safety in our body and in the world, and our lovability.
These limiting beliefs don’t just affect our romantic lives; they color everything from how we show up at work, to the way we nurture friendships, to the choices we make around money and security. This is why learning about attachment theory isn’t just interesting - it’s immensely helpful for understanding and reshaping the patterns that guide our lives.
Why Insight Alone Isn’t Enough
Knowing your primary attachment style is validating, but awareness by itself doesn’t automatically create change.
True transformation happens when you learn to work with your emotions, respond differently in relationships, and create new experiences that feel safe and secure. Individual therapy is where this healing process can unfold.
Clients often have these “aha” moments when they recognize their own attachment style - or their partner’s - for the first time. I’ve seen how gaining this awareness, and examining how they tend to act when feeling vulnerable, can bring a new level of mindfulness to their relationship life.
Suddenly, patterns that once felt confusing or frustrating start to make sense, and clients can make intentional choices instead of reacting automatically.
Relationships as Opportunities for Healing
Romantic partnerships often trigger old attachment wounds - but they also offer some of the best opportunities to heal.
In individual therapy, you’ll explore how your own attachment style influences your reactions and expectations.
For example, let’s say you lean anxious-preoccupied, craving reassurance and verbal expressions of love. Your partner, however, has a more avoidant style and tends to show love by quietly checking the oil in your car, paying the bills on time, or making sure coffee is ready for you in the morning. To you, the lack of frequent “I love yous” or long, connected conversations might feel like rejection or abandonment.
In therapy, you’ll learn to slow down and recognize that these acts of service are their way of expressing care. You’ll also explore what happens internally when your needs feel unmet - learning how to turn inward with compassion, soothe yourself, and act as your own primary caregiver in those moments. This self-support helps you stay grounded, communicate more clearly, and truly receive your partner’s love when it’s offered.
Over time, these small shifts can turn moments of disconnection into healing opportunities - helping you create more security and connection in your relationships, even if you’re the only one in therapy.
On the flip side, if you have a more avoidant attachment style, closeness might feel overwhelming at times.
Imagine your partner frequently seeks reassurance through long talks or physical affection. Even though you love them deeply, your instinct might be to pull away or change the subject to regain a sense of space and control.
In therapy, you’ll explore how this response may have developed as a way to protect yourself in early relationships. You’ll also work on staying present during moments of closeness and setting gentle boundaries without shutting down intimacy.
A key part of this work is learning how to turn inward, soothe yourself, and provide the sense of safety you’re seeking from distance - so you can remain engaged without feeling engulfed. This balance allows you to stay true to your own needs while still supporting your partner’s need for connection.
Shifting Out of Reactivity
Without awareness, attachment wounds can “hijack” your reactions in relationships, turning small disagreements into something that feels much bigger.
Learning about attachment theory - and the common negative interactional cycles people fall into - gives you tools to step out of old patterns.
Sometimes it’s as simple as noticing, “We’re doing that thing again.” Even if only you are in therapy, understanding your own attachment style can create meaningful shifts in the entire relationship dynamic.
Understanding the Cocreated Nature of Conflict
Healing attachment wounds isn’t about becoming a different person - it’s about recognizing your differences and understanding how patterns of conflict and negative interaction cycles are often co-created.
In many cases, both partners play a role in the dynamic, even if those roles look very different. Of course sometimes one partner’s actions - such as chronic boundary violations, substance abuse, or contempt - are the primary source of the problem.
But in individual therapy targeting run-of-the-mill communication issues in a relationship, we look at your role in these patterns and how you can respond differently to shift them. These cycles can feel like a dance - each person’s moves prompting a reaction in the other, and over time, the steps become familiar and automatic. On the surface, you might be arguing about chores, money, or how much time you spend together, but underneath, the conflict is often touching old attachment wounds that began long before you even met.
Part of shifting this is holding a mindset that we’re in each other’s care. That phrase is a reminder that, beneath the frustration or defensiveness, the relationship is meant to be a safe place for both people. When you feel the pull toward blame or old defensive patterns, remembering that you’re in each other’s care can help you pause.
Sometimes, it can even help to imagine the inner young child part of your partner - this can soften your approach and reconnect you with compassion, even in the middle of conflict.
How Therapy Supports This Healing
Working with an attachment-informed therapist provides a safe space to:
Explore your early attachment history and how it affects you now
Recognize your attachment style and its triggers
Practice attuning to your own emotions and asking others for what you need
Experience deep emotional attunement with a therapist - an essential step in healing
Perhaps you’ve heard the classic therapy line: “We are wounded in relationships, and we heal in relationships.” And as much as it sounds like something you’d find stitched on a pillow in a therapist’s office… it really does hold up.
The Role of IFS Therapy in Attachment Healing
I often use Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy in my practice, which is essentially attachment theory turned inward. With IFS, you’ll develop a secure and compassionate relationship with yourself - becoming the kind of steady, caring presence you may not have always had growing up.
When you can recognize and soothe the vulnerable parts of yourself, you’re less likely to get swept up in reactivity during moments of conflict or disconnection. This inner security allows you to show up more fully, listen with openness, and respond with care in your relationships.
It’s about creating harmony inside so you can experience safety, trust, and closeness outside - whether that’s with a partner, friends, or family. Over time, these inner shifts help you move toward a more secure attachment style, even if you’re the only one in therapy.
Build Stronger Relationships with Attachment-Informed Anxiety Therapy in San Francisco
When the honeymoon phase fades, relationships require intentional effort.
Learning about attachment theory through therapy doesn’t just explain why challenges arise - it gives you actionable steps to build deeper, more fulfilling connections. Whether you’re single, dating, or in a long-term partnership, anxiety therapy in San Francisco can help you create emotional safety for yourself and your loved ones.
Curious about how your attachment style may be shaping your relationships? I offer compassionate, attachment-informed therapy in San Francisco to help individuals move toward secure, fulfilling connections. Learn more about relationship therapy here or schedule a consultation today.