How Rewiring Your Brain Can Strengthen Your Relationship
As a San Francisco therapist who works with individuals on relationship challenges, I often hear one particular complaint: “My partner overreacted.”
When big emotional reactions show up in a relationship, they can feel confusing or overwhelming. It might seem like the reaction doesn’t quite match the moment - like something small has set off something big.
That unpredictability can leave us feeling unsettled, and over time, we might start walking on eggshells, unsure of what could trigger that kind of response again.
If you’ve ever felt that way about a partner - or been accused of overreacting yourself - you’re not alone. And while I can’t always speak to why someone else is reacting so strongly, I can offer a hopeful perspective: those intense emotional responses might have less to do with the present moment and more to do with how our brains are wired to protect us from past, unresolved pain.
The good news? That wiring isn’t permanent.
This blog is about how individual therapy, using approaches grounded in memory reconsolidation, can help rewire the brain - and in doing so, create more clarity and connection in your relationships. It’s important to note that this article isn’t intended to be applied to relationships with toxic or abusive dynamics.
Why Your Brain Reacts That Way
Big emotional responses sometimes have little to do with the partner they’re being directed toward.
Often, they’re shaped by earlier experiences, like childhood neglect, emotional hurt, or a lack of attention from a caregiver. But these reactions can also be rooted in past romantic relationships, or even other painful or overwhelming events that left a lasting imprint.
When a trigger hits, our vulnerability causes our nervous systems to leap into the past. While we're sitting across from our current partner, the things we say, do, and feel almost exist "out of time" because we are physiologically re-experiencing past pain or neglect.
When we feel flooded by painful implicit memories that seem nested deep down in our marrow, therapy approaches that use memory reconsolidation can help reduce their emotional charge. Memory reconsolidation works on the principle that when emotionally charged memories are retrieved, they can be updated – so the nervous system learns that it's safe to respond differently.
I'll give you an example of how I've seen this work in my San Francisco therapy practice:
A recent client had a profound experience connected to the process of neural pathway rewiring. The client described a familiar pattern: feeling panic, overwhelm, and then irritation when their spouse seemed emotionally off. The client recognized that their own response often felt outsized, and they wanted to understand why, so they could respond with more compassion when their partner was simply having a hard day.
In our therapy sessions, we had been exploring their feelings of panic, overwhelm, and irritation that get activated when others are upset or even just seem like they might become upset. We worked with those emotions and the old memories beneath them using two approaches I integrate in my practice: Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the Flash Technique.
Through this work, the client discovered that the panic they felt when their partner was having big emotions was a response to stored memories of their mother’s unpredictable explosive outbursts. Their nervous system had learned long ago that strong emotions in others weren’t safe, and it was still reacting as if that were true.
After a total of nine therapy sessions, the client was able to stay calm and centered in their own body and mind while being a witness to their partner's emotional experience.
Instead of spiraling into overwhelm, they were able to soothe the part of themselves that typically braced for danger, offer genuine compassion, and respond with clarity. Their brain could finally trust: this isn’t the same danger, and I don’t need to sound the alarm anymore.
By rewiring these emotional patterns, they felt more grounded and capable in moments of conflict - able to stay connected to themselves and respond with intention.
Yes, You Can Rewire Old Patterns With The Help of Memory Reconsolidation
Memory reconsolidation is one of the most exciting discoveries in neuroscience - it highlights just how adaptable and changeable the brain really is. I think it’s incredibly cool that the brain can update emotional memories and rewire old patterns that no longer serve us.
When individuals or couples engage in therapy approaches that harness memory reconsolidation, long-standing patterns in relationships can begin to soften. While not every issue disappears completely, many people find that certain triggers lose their emotional charge, reactive patterns show up less often, and they’re more able to respond from a grounded, compassionate place. Over time, each person learns how to tend to their own vulnerability - so it doesn’t take over or get projected onto their partner.
Two approaches I often use that support this kind of deep emotional change are Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the Flash Technique.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
IFS is an evidence-based therapy that helps people heal by getting to know and care for the protective and wounded parts of themselves. As a San Francisco IFS-informed therapist, I’ve seen how this approach allows clients to build more internal trust and unburden parts of themselves from extreme roles they've had to carry.
IFS can support memory reconsolidation by helping clients revisit painful memories from a calm and compassionate state. When a memory is reactivated in this state - and a new, healing experience follows - the brain can actually update the memory. This allows the nervous system to respond differently, often with more calm, choice, and connection.
If you want to learn more about IFS, check out this blog post.
The Flash Technique
Flash is a brief, research-backed technique that helps the brain revisit painful memories without overwhelm. Using bilateral stimulation (often in the form of eye movements or tapping) while the memory is lightly held in the background, the brain stays calm instead of going into fight-or-flight. This creates a mismatch - the brain expects distress, but feels safe instead. That’s what allows memory reconsolidation to happen.
Over time, the brain learns: “I can think about that experience and still feel okay.” The memory gets stored as something that happened in the past - not something it needs to react to anymore.
If you’re curious to learn more about the Flash Technique, check out this blog post.
Explore Memory Reconsolidation: Book a Free Consultation for Flash and IFS Therapy San Francisco
As a San Francisco anxiety therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how memory reconsolidation can help individuals who are carrying around old negative beliefs about themselves, distressing memories, or patterns from childhood that are keeping them anxious or detached in relationships.
If you're interested in therapy for anxiety, self-esteem, and relationship issues in San Francisco, you can contact me here or call me at (415) 851-5125 for a free phone consultation.
References
Brouwers, T. C., de Jongh, A., & Matthijssen, S. J. M. A. (2021). The Effects of the Flash Technique Compared to Those of an Abbreviated Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy Protocol on the Emotionality and Vividness of Aversive Memories. Frontiers in Psychology, 12. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.741163