What Is Attachment Theory? Understanding Relationship Patterns with a San Francisco Anxiety Therapist

Could attachment theory help explain why your relationships feel so darn hard sometimes?

The way we bond with our earliest caregivers shapes how we experience closeness, trust, and conflict later in life - especially in romantic relationships. I know, it might sound like just another therapist blaming everything on your childhood or your parents, but attachment theory is much more than that. It's a well-researched, deeply insightful framework that can help us understand the roots of our insecurities, fears, and those automatic reactions we don’t always understand.

Understanding your attachment style might not only explain some relationship struggles - it could also be a powerful key to healing, growth, and real intimacy. Let’s see if this concept starts to make a little more sense as we explore it together.

Attachment Styles Explained

As humans, we rely on connection for survival from the very beginning. Attachment theory is a powerful model that helps explain how our earliest relationships with caregivers shape the way we connect with others as adults - especially in intimate partnerships.

For instance, if a parent used the silent treatment when upset, even a brief pause in a partner’s response might feel cold or punishing. If a parent often yelled, you might find yourself walking on eggshells whenever someone expresses frustration. These responses are deeply rooted - and they’re not random. 

Children personalize everything and are meaning-makers. When a caregiver withdraws, lashes out, or responds inconsistently, a child doesn’t think, “My parent is overwhelmed.” Instead, they internalize the experience: “This must be about me. I must be bad, too much, or not good enough.” These interpretations are emotional survival strategies, not conscious choices.

Over time, repeated emotional experiences shape the subconscious mind. In neuroscience terms: what fires together, wires together. The brain creates and strengthens pathways based on emotionally charged interactions. This is how deep beliefs about who we are in relationships begin to take root - and unfortunately, those beliefs often extend into other areas of life, like friendships, work, and even our relationship with ourselves.

These early attachment experiences become the blueprint for how we approach closeness, trust, and conflict - often without even realizing it. In fact, some attachment patterns can make dysfunctional behaviors feel oddly safe or familiar, simply because they’re what we’ve known.

Let’s take a look at the four main attachment styles and see if any feel familiar to you:

• Secure Attachment
  People with a secure attachment style were typically raised by emotionally available caregivers who consistently met their emotional needs. These caregivers responded with approach-oriented behavior - meaning when a child cried or expressed distress, the caregiver moved toward them with support and curiosity.

  Over time, this conditions the belief: It’s safe to rely on others. My needs matter. I am lovable for who I am.

  In adulthood, secure attachment often looks like the ability to set healthy boundaries, express needs without fear, and offer both closeness and space in relationships. People with this style tend to have the highest rates of relational satisfaction and resilience.

  While not everyone grows up with this foundation, secure behaviors can absolutely be learned and cultivated in adulthood.

• Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
  Often called the anxious pursuer, this attachment style is driven by a deep fear of abandonment and an ongoing need for reassurance. Small cues - like a delayed text or change in tone - can feel like signs of rejection or disconnection.

  This style usually forms when caregivers were inconsistently available: sometimes warm and loving, other times distracted, withdrawn, or overwhelmed. The child learns that love is unpredictable and may feel like they have to earn it by staying hyper-attuned to others’ moods.

  In adulthood, this may look like needing constant reassurance, worrying about being left, or feeling anxious when there’s distance in the relationship. Ironically, the intensity of pursuit can push partners away - reinforcing the fear of being alone.

• Avoidant Attachment
  Avoidant attachment often forms in response to emotional neglect - not always through overt harm, but through a lack of emotional attunement. These children learn early on that expressing emotions doesn’t lead to comfort - it may even result in rejection or discomfort from a caregiver. So, they stop reaching out when they’re distressed and instead turn inward for soothing.

  In some cases, avoidant attachment also develops from intrusive parenting - when a caregiver overwhelms the child with their own emotions or unsolicited involvement. The child learns: If I show distress, I’ll be flooded by theirs. Over time, they adopt a survival strategy: shut down, distract, and avoid. The best way to stay close to someone who can’t handle your emotions is to hide them.

  Sometimes, love and connection came only through achievement - being praised for good grades, excelling in sports, or mastering tasks. Caregivers may have shown pride in performance, but struggled to offer emotional presence or comfort.

  To cope, the child becomes emotionally self-sufficient and internalizes the belief: My needs are a burden. I must rely on myself. Vulnerability isn’t safe.

  As adults, people with avoidant attachment may appear distant or uncomfortable with emotional closeness. They often shut down during conflict, avoid vulnerability, and struggle with commitment. Their independence becomes a protective strategy - but one that can lead to loneliness and misunderstanding in relationships.

• Disorganized Attachment
  Disorganized attachment develops in environments where the caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear. This might occur in households marked by abuse, trauma, emotional volatility, or chronic unpredictability. The child becomes stuck in a bind: I want closeness, but closeness isn’t safe.

  This attachment style often results in a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. In adult relationships, someone with a disorganized style may feel torn between pushing others away and clinging to them. They may struggle with emotional regulation, trust, and feeling safe - both with others and with themselves.

  These patterns can look unpredictable or chaotic from the outside, but they’re rooted in early confusion about what love and safety really mean.

Attachment Doesn’t Happen in a Vacuum: The Role of Culture and Context

While attachment theory focuses on our earliest relationships, it’s important to remember that those relationships are shaped by a much larger cultural and societal context.

Many caregivers do the best they can, but they’re often parenting under enormous stress - financial hardship, lack of community support, systemic racism, intergenerational trauma, or unrealistic cultural expectations. In this sense, the culture itself may not be a safe haven for healthy emotional development.

When caregivers are unsupported, overworked, or coping with their own unresolved trauma, it can limit their capacity to provide consistent emotional safety - even when they deeply love their children. That’s not a personal failing, it’s a reflection of a broader system that often asks too much and gives too little.

Understanding this cultural layer helps bring more compassion to your attachment story. It reminds us that healing isn’t about blaming - it’s about recognizing what was missing, why it may have been missing, and how we can begin to give ourselves (and others) the secure connection we deserve.

Attachment Styles Aren’t Fixed - They’re Patterns, Not Personalities

It’s easy to read about attachment theory and start thinking, “Well, I guess I’m just anxious,” or “This explains everything - I’m avoidant.” But here’s the truth: attachment styles aren’t fixed traits. They’re patterns - ways we’ve learned to cope with closeness, vulnerability, and connection based on past experiences. And like all patterns, they can shift and evolve.

You might be struggling with an anxious attachment style right now - not because that’s “who you are,” but because of something you're going through. Maybe you’ve recently lost someone close, like a parent, or been in a series of relationships where your needs for connection weren’t met. Those experiences can activate anxious tendencies, but that doesn't mean they define you.

What’s more, our attachment style can vary depending on who we’re relating to. You might feel secure and steady with one partner, but become more avoidant or anxious with someone else. That’s normal. Different relationships bring out different parts of us.

That’s why I encourage people to be cautious about labeling themselves too tightly. When we say, “I am an anxious person” or “I’m avoidant,” we risk getting stuck in a fixed mindset. A more helpful way to think about it might be: “This is a pattern I tend to fall into, especially when I feel vulnerable - and it’s something I’m working on.”

Learning about attachment styles can bring powerful mindfulness into your relationship life. It can help you pause, reflect, and ask: How do I tend to act when I feel vulnerable or uncertain? What can I honor and accept in myself here, and what might I choose to do differently to shift the pattern? When I’m triggered, what am I afraid will happen? From that place of awareness, real growth and healing become possible.

Attachment Style Therapy in San Francisco Can Help You Move Toward Secure Connection

Developing secure attachment with others begins by building a secure relationship with yourself. In my practice, I use Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy to help clients become excellent caretakers of their inner world so they can cultivate the emotional safety that secure relationships require.

If you're seeking individual therapy in San Francisco focused on growing security - both within yourself and in your relationships - I’d be honored to connect with you. Feel welcome to call me at (415) 851-5125 for a free 15-minute phone consultation.

My specialties include anxiety, self-esteem, and relationship wellness. Remember, you're not broken - you’re learning new ways to connect, and that’s deeply courageous work.