You’re Allowed to Say No: Practical Boundaries for Anxious Folks
The holidays are upon us. For some folks, that means family meals, warm traditions, and time to rest. But for many of my clients, it also means gearing up for uncomfortable conversations, feeling like you’re playing emotional defense, or walking on eggshells with loved ones.
If you’ve been doing the work in anxiety therapy San Francisco, chances are you’re tuning into what you need and noticing what’s no longer working for you. Sometimes boundaries are necessary to protect yourself from harmful patterns or relationships. Other times, they’re a way to stay connected without abandoning yourself in the process.
As a San Francisco anxiety therapist who works with individuals navigating complicated relationships, I often hear clients say they want to set boundaries but feel unsure how to do it without guilt, fear, or fallout. Recently, I attended a workshop by Naomi Yu, a San Francisco therapist, on Loving Boundaries, which reminded me of a simple model that can help: the ACT Model.
Let’s walk through what it looks like to set boundaries that stick, with clarity and compassion, so you can feel less resentment and more self-respect.
What Is the ACT Model?
The ACT model is a three-step approach to setting boundaries:
A = Acknowledge their feelings
C = Communicate the limit
T = Target an alternative
Here’s how that plays out in real life:
Example:
Your sibling calls regularly to vent about a recurring issue where they don’t seem to be taking steps to improve their situation. You care deeply, but lately you’ve noticed that these calls leave you feeling emotionally drained and stuck in a loop.Acknowledge: “I know this has been really hard for you, and I get why you need to talk about it.”
Communicate: “I’m noticing that when we have the same conversation over and over, I start to feel overwhelmed and helpless.”
Target: “I’m here for you, but I may need to limit how often we talk about this. We could also look at finding a therapist together if that feels supportive.”
The goal isn’t to change someone, it's to clarify what you are or are not willing to engage in, and follow through on it.
Boundaries Are About Your Behavior, Not Theirs
A boundary isn’t asking someone to change something. That’s a request. A boundary is about the action you take if a limit is crossed - or if you're asked to do something you don't have the capacity or willingness to do anymore, even if it’s something you’ve said yes to before.
This is where people get tripped up. They think they’re setting a boundary when really they’re just hoping the other person complies.
“I told my sister to stop calling late at night.”
That’s a request.A boundary would be: “If she keeps calling after 10 PM, after I’ve already asked her to stop, I turn my phone on Do Not Disturb.”
It’s not about being harsh. It’s about showing people how you want to be treated and following through in a way that aligns with your values and well-being. That follow-through is what builds self-trust. And without it, boundaries aren’t taken seriously - not by others, and not by ourselves.
Breaking It Down: Requests, Boundaries, and Ultimatums
At the workshop, we explored the distinction between them. Here's the breakdown:
Request: “Would you be open to talking about this another time?”
Boundary: “If this continues to be the focus of our conversations, I’m going to start setting a time limit so I can stay grounded.”
Ultimatum: “If you bring this up again, I’m cutting off all contact.”
Ultimatums tend to shut things down by using a demand or threat to force change in other people. That said, the example given for an ultimatum can also be a boundary if things are truly bad and you need to protect yourself. The distinction often comes down to intent - if the underlying sentiment is to threaten someone in order to control their behavior, it’s more of an ultimatum than a boundary. Boundaries clarify what’s acceptable and what you’ll do to protect your own needs. Requests can be beautiful when there’s mutual respect - but they don’t carry the same weight as a boundary. And keep in mind, the recipient is a sovereign being and can say yes or no to your request.
Not Everyone Gets the Full ACT Treatment
Let’s be real. Not every interaction calls for this much care. You don’t owe everyone a graceful boundary conversation.
Sometimes, it’s just a clear “No.”
Sometimes, it’s “Please don’t do that again.”
Sometimes, the moment’s passed and you simply distance yourself.
If the person has a pattern of disrespecting your limits, or if the emotional labor feels too high, it’s okay to keep it short. You get to decide what level of energy you want to invest.
What About the Guilt?
Guilt is normal. Especially for people-pleasers, helpers, or anyone raised in environments where boundaries were labeled as “selfish.”
Here’s the thing: guilt when setting boundaries is often just discomfort from doing something new. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means you’re stretching.
Psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy describes two types of guilt. The first is healthy guilt - the kind that shows up when you act out of alignment with your own values. That kind of guilt can guide you back to who you want to be. The second is what she calls 'false guilt' - the guilt you feel when you take on and metabolize someone else’s emotional discomfort. When it's false guilt, the task isn’t to fix it but to recognize that those feelings belong to the other person. As Dr. Becky encourages, we can imagine gently giving those feelings back - rather than carrying what was never ours to hold.
If you’ve worked with a San Francisco anxiety therapist, you’ve probably started noticing how much of your energy goes toward managing other people’s reactions. Boundaries pull some of that energy back into your own court and letting go of what's not yours.
What Are You Saying Yes To?
My favorite part of Naomi’s workshop was this question:
“When you set this boundary, what are you saying yes to?”
Let that land for a minute.
When you say no to overextending, you say yes to rest.
When you set a limit with your boss, you say yes to your mental health.
When you skip a holiday gathering that leaves you drained, you say yes to quiet mornings, to sanity, to the people who actually recharge you.
It’s not just about what you’re blocking. It’s about what you’re making room for.
When to Set a Boundary (and When to Let It Slide)
Not every irritation needs a boundary. One way to check in with yourself is to ask:
“If I don’t address this, will I feel resentment?”
If the answer is yes, that’s a sign a boundary or simply a conversation might help preserve the relationship. If not, maybe it’s something you can let go of. Boundaries aren’t about micromanaging every dynamic. They’re about identifying where your own peace is at risk.
Boundaries Don’t Mean You’re a Bad Person
Let’s end with this: Setting boundaries doesn’t make you rude, dramatic, or emotionally cold. It makes you honest. And that honesty is often the first step toward deeper, more sustainable connection.
Yes, it can feel awkward.
Yes, it may disappoint people.
Yes, it might change the relationship.
But living in a way that honors your own limits is a form of quiet strength. You don’t always need to yell to draw a line.
Working With a San Francisco Anxiety Therapist Can Help
If setting boundaries makes your chest tighten or your palms sweat, you’re not alone. Many of the clients I work with in anxiety therapy San Francisco come in feeling stuck between wanting to be liked and wanting to be well.
In therapy, we get to unpack the guilt, rehearse what you want to say, and learn how to trust your own no. And part of the work is being compassionate with yourself when you're just not ready to set a boundary.
If that sounds like something you’re ready for, I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit. Click here to get in touch.